Would You Miss Me If I Jumped Off A Bridge?

I must accept that this is my life now...fishing babies out of toilets.

Folks...I'm literally losing my mind. This baby you see in this picture is driving me crazy! I cannot take my eyes off of her for one minute or she's into something else. In this case...the toilet...fully dressed to socks and shoes. Oh, and underneath her is about 3 or 4 shampoo bottles and toothpaste tubes.

We had just come in from running some errands and I sat her down to put my things away. The usually closed bathroom door was wide open, beckoning a curious baby to wander in and explore...and did she ever! So I snapped this pic on my phone before she hurriedly climbed out, stripped her down and put her in the bathtub while I just sat there and shook my head.

But climbing in the toilet is only the half of it. She's been a hot mess for days! For example. I put her in her newly carpeted room, all nicely baby gated, to play, while I worked on the house. I notice that it's just WAY too quiet in there for an 18 month old, so I make my way down the hall to peek in. Before I even get to her room, the smell of menthol overtakes me. I think, "Is that Desitin?" So I get to her door and see my baby, who was supposed to be playing on the floor with her toys, engrossed in squeezing out every last bit of Desitin from the tube. She catches a glimpse of me and looks at me like, "Yuck...this stuff is gross!" Why? Because there's a big white ring around her mouth because she was obviously giving this stuff a taste test! Not only that, Desitin is smeared all in her hair, all over the play pen, her clothes...everywhere (but at least not on the new carpet). I had thrown the tube of Desitin into her playpen the day before because it was in the floor and I thought she might get into it. I never thought in a million years she could climb into her playpen and fish it out...but that's what I get for thinking. She climbed up on the rocking chair, then must've jumped over into the playpen because it's like a foot away! So after a call to poison control, we made another trip to the bathtub. If ya'll keep up with my blog, you know that I've said many times that there's a reason why most babies are bald. It's because when they decide to smear Desitin on their sweet little heads, it can be easily wiped off. But a baby with a head full of long, thick hair...it aint that simple folks...don't even get me started on the hair!

So in addition to climbing into toilet bowls and sucking down a tube of Desitin, this seemingly sweet looking child has been dumpster diving (well, trash can diving), where she unearthed a couple of discarded light bulbs and proceeded to smash them on the floor. I hear the crash from the other room and know exactly what it is! So I run into the kitchen where she's not only holding onto the end of the jagged light bulb, like a beer bottle in the hands of a drunk in a bar fight, she's running through the shards of glass to come show me her deadly little toy! Then I freak and grab her up to see if she's got broken glass in her feet. Luckily, there was no blood and no bits of glass poking out. Angels must've been with her!

And that's not counting the three times I had to fish rocks out of her mouth when I let her play outside, and the time she fell off of the coffee table and skinned up her legs. Oh and we can't forget when she puked all over herself, me and the couch, because she got gagged on ONE piece of macaroni...just ONE ya'll and there goes dinner! Yes, all of this has happened in just the past two days...and I've had it.

Did I mention that she's almost 30 lbs now...so lugging this chunk of a child around is wearing me out! I just sat in her room and cried when I went to get her up from her nap and she had taken off her diaper, poopy no less, and had begun to smear it all over her crib.

My savior will be the spa package my husband has purchased for me for my birthday. A day of pampering, to get away from it all, can't come soon enough. Because a five story ledge is looking pretty cozy about now. All I can say is
PRAY PEOPLE! PRAY!!!