Low Carb/ Keto for Pain Management

Hi again! It's been a looooong time since I've posted anything. Not that a zillion things haven't happened or been going on...a ZILION things have happened and have been going on. I have just been uninspired to write about them or share my feelings. The past 5 or 6 years I have felt guarded and haven't wanted to share much. Who knows? Maybe I will still feel that way tomorrow.

But today, I feel like sharing. :)

I wanted to talk about chronic pain. Do you have chronic pain? The kind that no doctor can diagnose correctly? The kind that sucks the very life out of you, leaving you an exhausted heap on the couch, unable to physically or mentally move? The kind that hurts everywhere, and no amount of ibuprophen, or pain killer seems to help? The kind that leaves your emotions in a wreck because you feel ashamed, judged, lazy, and useless around your house, to your children and at work? Then maybe you are like me, because this is what I deal with.

Pain
Immobility
Exhaustion
Fatigue
(and as a result) Depression and Shame

It's such a hateful, bitter cycle.

So, that's where I am in my life. I have chronic pain.
One doctor called it "fibromyalgia." Another called it "chronic fatigue." Another called it "inflammation." What does this even mean? Of course I know my body is inflamed! I feel it every day! And in my opinion, the diagnosis of "fibromyalgia" and "chronic fatigue" is just giving my large swath of complaints a name so that the doctor can send me away with a pat on the head and the advice to bump up the ibuprophen. They just offer a name. I don't blame them. There just isn't that much recent or concrete research to help them. There definitely aren't any cures. Some doctors don't even believe these mystery ghost pains exist. Chronic pain isn't life threatening, so they aren't treating it with any kind of urgency. But we sure are urgently seeking some relief, aren't we?!

One doctor told me that studies have shown that antidepressants help fibromyalgia pain, so he prescribed me Cymbalta. Despite the horror stories I read about people who found great difficulty coming off  this drug, and my own aversion to taking any kind of drugs or medicine, I decided to give it a try. I took just one dose of this medication and felt like I was going to die! My heart raced, I was dizzy, my vision became blurry, and my jaw hurt. I became dizzy and lightheaded and just had to lay down. I slept for hours and still had blurry vision when I woke up. I had such a foul reaction that I vowed to never take it or any other medication ever again! I knew then that medication was not going to be the answer for me.

Despite my disappointments in the doctors and the medications they prescribed, I continued to search for relief. The more I read, the more I saw that sugar was a major cause of inflammation in the body. I had a nagging feeling that diet was going to be what made the difference for me, so I decided to try eating a low carb or ketogenic diet to eliminate all but a few carbohydrates.

I was amazed to find that the pain in my joints and muscles went away within a few days and was noticeably better! I will give you a real life example of how it affected me. The week before school started (pre low carb diet) I moved desks, shelves and tables around in my classroom. By the end of the day, I couldn't walk. My body was destroyed and I spent the next 3 days on the couch, unable to do even the smallest of tasks at home. It was depressing for sure! Then I began eating low carb and took to moving furniture again in my classroom. At the end of the day, it hit me. "Wow! I don't feel like crap!" I went home and I still felt good. The next day, I had another great day!

I tell more about my experience with eliminating sugar in THIS video

Light bulb moment!!! It was the sugar! Eliminating the sugar and carbs from my body diminished the inflammation and I wasn't in pain for the first time in a long time!

But I fell off the wagon after a bout with some serious keto flu (we'll discuss that another day) and I was right back to square one with the chronic pain. Indeed my diet does have something-if not everything- to do with inflammation in my body. But how many of us are able to face the fact that sugar, while pleasurable in one sense, is detrimental to us in the sense that it diminishes our quality of life? How much better, healthier, younger, more happy, more energetic, lighter and freer would I feel if I made this lifestyle change for good? My guess is a thousand percent better!

So why don't I do it? Why do I choose to suffer when I know there is a way to feel better? My guess is it's the flesh. "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak," so the Good Book says, and isn't it so true! We often know and even really want to do the right thing for us, but because we get pleasure or some sort of satisfaction from our vices, we continue to do them, ignoring the ill effects they have on us. Continuing to eat my sugar and my carbs gives me immediate comfort and a feeling of satisfaction. This overrides the feeling of constant pain and everyday brain fog. "At least this cookie will make me feel better," I tell myself. But in the long run, it doesn't. It exasperates the problem.

Now don't get me wrong, eating low carb (for me) has immediate, even sudden good results. For instance today, as I decided to start the day with no sugar, by mid-morning, I felt a little lighter, my stomach didn't feel bloated and distended (it even felt somehow flatter amazingly) and I had a bit more drive and energy. Usually after my cup of coffee with 3 spoonfuls of sugar, milk and my bagel with sweetened cream cheese, I feel bloated, lethargic and want to crawl under my desk! But not today! Perhaps that's why I felt inspired to write!

So here we are, at another cross roads taking that first step on the path to wellness via a low carb/ketogenic diet. I hope to blog about this journey and make more videos. I can't promise, but I will try. One of the great joys of my life is helping others and being someone that others can look at and say, "I don't feel so alone because I know she gets it too." I hope that is enough motivation to keep encouraging you and myself by writing, journaling, blogging and vlogging.

If you suffer from chronic pain, you have my deepest respect. I know how hard it is and the fact that you got up today and put your feet on the floor and got through another day is a true feat! I get it. I can't say that what I am doing will be your answer, I can only share how it is helping me or not helping me. You may have tried antidepressants or other drugs and they have done wonders for you. I am so so happy! I hope you will leave a comment and perhaps advise someone else as to how it helped you. We are all just here (hopefully) to encourage and lift up one another.

I'll keep you posted. :)

My First Wig Video! Freetress Equal "Bailey" Wig

After my "faux hair" coming out party a few months ago, I have received so many questions about wearing wigs and hair pieces, which prompted me to make a video about wigs...but I'll get to that in a minute. 

First I wanted to thank everyone for the wonderful support! The encouragement has been such a blessing to me and makes me want to share more! I have found that there is such a need for women to know that there are options to dealing with their natural (or unnatural) hair loss. 

Like me, you may have seen your hair disappear over time and maybe you've just accepted this as how it's just going to be! But thin hair with your scalp showing through doesn't have to be a life sentence if you don't want it to be. You can feel sexy and young and pretty again. I have, and I want that for you too! So, I made a video showcasing my new favorite wig! I hope you watch it and are inspired to try one for yourself. A lot of really good styles are relatively inexpensive, so if you don't like it, you aren't out a big investment.

Let's ditch the stigma and weirdness attached to wearing wigs! Let's embrace it like we have fake acrylic nails, false eyelashes, push-up bras and shape wear! We do a lot to look prettier and feel better about ourselves. 

We have come along way to looking at hair extensions as fun, normal and something we want to try. Why not start embracing wigs and toppers? Guys trust me! Hollywood has had this going on for decades! You rarely see a starlet or singer or performer who isn't sporting some sort of fake hair, be it toppers, wigs, extensions, or even hats with hair sewn into them! 

Jessica Simpson has been very open about her faux hair (including wigs) and created her own hair extension and halo line (so did Daisy Fuentes). 

I went to a conference and the key note speaker was Kathy Ireland. She came out in all her supermodel fabulousness...including big hair! Halfway into her speech, she informed the audience that her company was about to launch clip in hair extensions and halos. Then she proceeds to take them out of her own hair and show us right on stage, exposing her much thinner, shorter hair! Then she clips them back in to show how easy it was. I am willing to bet that every single woman at the conference wanted a pack of those extensions at that moment (I know I did!)!

If you've ever seen Beyonce' in a picture or on stage, she was probably wearing (and slaying) a wig!

Wendy Williams is famous for her wigs. And they always look beautiful.

Ever seen the movie, Maid in Manhattan with Jennifer Lopez? Remember the scene after her romantic night with the senator when she stands in front of the mirror with that sexy bedroom hair, remembering that she was back in the real world and had to go to work? She goes on to unclip a giant crown extension out of her hair and what do you know? J-Lo's hair's not so big and sexy after all. 

I remember Joan Rivers taking clip-in extensions out of her short bob and showing the audience on Fashion Police once.

And who can forget that Dolly Parton, Tina Turner and even Mary Kay Ashe (of Mary Kay cosmetics) wore wigs?! 

Ladies, quit feeling "less than" and get in on the fun! 

The common thread for all of these women is CONFIDENCE! You just have to have confidence and a "no apologies" attitude and you're good to go! 

You don't go around apologizing for your acrylic nails do you? Then don't apologize for your fabulous "faux" hair! 

So what are you waiting for? Go get you a wig!

  My First Wig Video!

Freetress Equal's "Bailey" in color OP27

I bought my wig at wigtypes.com. I ordered my wig on a Wednesday and it was at my door on Friday. Great prices and super fast shipping! I highly recommend them! :)

#FakeHairDontCare! Why I Started Wearing Wigs!

I can't believe I'm doing this! But I've seen the looks (like, HUH?), I've gotten the sideways glances from folks out and about. I see your confusion and sense your skepticism. So, I'm coming out!

I mean, this isn't something I particularly want to announce to the world. But if ya'll know me, or have read my blog much, you know I am an open book. I like to be real with people and I like to share my experiences in the hopes it helps someone else. And I hope that by sharing my story, someone else may be brave enough to take matters into their own hands to feel pretty again.

That's why I started wearing wigs....to feel pretty.

Yes. Wigs.

I always had beautiful, thick, long hair, but I started losing it during my first year of college. So much so that my mother took me to the doctor. He thought it might be stress related, but really had no explanation.

                                                Me at 17 years old...TONS of Aqua Netted hair!

Over the course of my 20's and early 30's, my hair would have periods of regrowth, then periods of thinning, but it never recovered to what it once was. No matter what, you could always, ALWAYS see my scalp through my thinning hair. No amount of teasing or back combing helped. I just lived with it and tried to make the best of it.

Then, after I had my daughter in 2008, my hair loss increased. Maybe it was hormonal, but the thinning was out of control! I researched ways to hide it and tried extensions.

                            Me with my first extensions. Made them myself from hair from Sally's Beauty Supply!


Those gave me length, but didn't hide the thinning on top. Then I found the answer! Wig toppers!

                                                   Me with an expensive wig topper on...just adds a lot of volume on top.


A wig topper or "crown extension" is a piece that you clip in at the top of your head to give you volume on top. Since my hair was long (albeit super thin), the topper blended perfectly! But the toppers are expensive! The topper I used was over $300! And guess what? I lost it after a hotel stay. :(

I was heartbroken. But after some due diligence on youtube, I learned how to make my own!

      Me in my home made topper from a dark wig that I cut up. It blended so well and only cost about $35.00! 

Oh! And fake nails! Much more widely accepted than wigs, but still FAKE! lol

 Another topper I have in blonde. You can blend with your own hair so easily.

 Dress it up!

Pull it back.

Even in a ponytail!

Much more cost effective and easy. And no one had a clue! I just got funny looks like, "Your hair looks awesome today! Did you do something different? Sometimes I would tell, and sometimes I wouldn't. But I always enjoyed the compliments and FINALLY felt pretty again.

My husband at the time said he didn't mind that I wore fake hair. But I later found out from people he worked with that he made fun of me behind my back about it. He was also cheating on me behind my back, so I shouldn't be surprised he'd make fun of my hair loss. But when I found out, it really hurt because he had seen my struggle for more than a decade and still poked fun at something I couldn't help. My guess is there are and will be people who will still poke fun. But that says more about them than it does me. You just have to brush those people off and move along and do YOU! Ya know?

But let me just tell ya'll real quick...I am married to a man now who is secure in himself enough to just let me be me, and loves me for who I am! Fat or skinny, thick hair or thin hair, whatever! He thinks I'm beautiful no matter what and would never dream of making fun of me behind my back. That's a REAL MAN ya'll! And I'm so thankful for him. 

Anyway, after my first husband and I divorced, I took a break from wearing the wig toppers because my hair was healthy (still thin) and was looking cute after a great new cut and color. I didn't wear fake hair for about 3 years.

These are pics of my real hair when it was longer, thicker and healthier...just a few years ago...

This was my first hair cut and color after my divorce. It was so cute and I loved it! My hair wasn't thick, but I could live with it because the cut and color was so good! Thanks to Tina at "Just Teasin" in Belfry, KY!

Those were pretty great hair days...and just 3 years ago! THIS is what I hope to get back to, as I wait for my hair to grow back. Still thin and baby fine here, but this is the hair I could live with and still feel pretty. 

But after gall bladder surgery, a stroke, a second marriage, moving away from all my friends and family, a new job, a new home and a new blended family, all in one year, I guess the stress just took its toll and my hair suffered! On top of that, I got a short haircut, thinking it would look thicker, but it didn't. It looked thinner. The only way to work with it was to tease the heck out of it! But then I had helmet hair and looked like an old lady. UGH!!!!

Deep breath.....

So, his is my hair now..significant balding and not much to work with at all. :( 

THIS is why I wear wigs. I just can't do anything with it anymore. 

 I felt so ugly in this hair. :(

This was the best I could do with it just last winter. So, so thin. You can see straight through to my scalp. It was too much of an ordeal to make it look just OK every day. It's like baby's hair. 

 I felt so ugly and not like my confident self. 

Enough was enough!

Guys, I just wanted to feel like me again...to feel pretty. But I didn't. I felt ugly and old.

I decided life was too short to walk around hating how I looked every day. So I decided to take the plunge and start wearing fake hair again! My hair was way too short to blend with the toppers (I tried that first). So, I decided to just go all out and wear wigs! I watched a ton of brave women on YouTube show off their faux hair and tell their stories. So many of them sounded like me!

I have not been diagnosed by a doctor (but I am visiting one soon to discuss my hair loss), but what I believe I have is a form of alopecia. I've tried vitamins, special shampoos and vitamins, I've tried Rogaine for women, scalp massage, conditioning treatments, nothing has worked. Some years my hair will seem thicker, but it's never great. The National Alopecia Ariata website says this...

"With all types of alopecia areata, hair loss and regrowth can be very unpredictable and cyclical (happen over and over), for many years. Though for some people, hair may regrow and not fall out again. Currently there is no cure for alopecia areata. However, your hair follicles remain alive no matter what type you have. This means that hair regrowth can happen after many years of severe or widespread hair loss."

This is so me! It just happens over and over and over, but never gets completely better. Right now, protecting it with a wig and not processing it or using heat on it, etc. has made it grow a little thicker, especially in the back and on the sides. There's no hope for the top! But it is slowly coming back and maybe this time next year, I can get back to uncovering my bio hair!

But here I am now, ALL IN with the wigs! And ya'll, I am loving it! Wearing wigs has opened me up to all kinds of beautiful colors and styles that I could have never EVER had before! I get to have thick, gorgeous hair again! I haven't had that since I was a teenager!

 Love having big hair and curls again!

Just like high school...only NO AQUA NET! lol

 I mean...for real tho! 

You can't tell me that doesn't look amazing!

 Sleek and professional...

That hair every girl wants!

 Holy Rapunzel!

Love this hair! Easy and fun!

I don't walk around embarrassed because you can see my bald scalp through my hair anymore. I walk around with confidence and feel pretty again. You can't put a price on that ya'll. Self confidence is priceless!

Now, I know what some of you haters are gonna say, "Well, aren't you embarrassed that you're wearing a wig for crying out loud? That's more embarrassing than having thin hair!" And the answer is no, I'm not.

And why should I be? We've all done things to change or improve our appearance, haven't we?

Do you give women a hard time who have had their boobs done? Do you give people a hard time because they had weight loss surgery or wear false eyelashes or wear high heels to look taller, or get eyebrows tattooed on, or have lip injections, or have Botox? If you do, you're a hateful person with too much time on your hands to worry about other people's business! Get a life!

People do all kinds of things to feel better about themselves...and that's ok. I have thin hair, so I choose to wear wigs. You have flat breasts, so you choose to get implants or wear a push up bra. Another has forehead wrinkles, so they get botox injections..and it goes on and on. It's ok!

You do you, and I'm just gonna do me and lets just worry about ourselves, ok?

I am growing out my hair right now, slowly but surely and hopefully will get it back to a length and style that I can live with and feel good about. But for now, I'm wearing fake hair. And I'm loving it! It's something you have to work with to make look natural and look like your own. I have watched a ton of videos and have experimented with inexpensive wigs. I bought a hair topper for $300! But I will never do that again! Every wig I have owned (and all of these pictured here) has been less than $50!

So there it is folks! I put it out there. You can ask, you can look at my hairline, you can touch it! lol It's ok. I just wanted to be real witchya'll!

To those of you who are scared, it's ok! If you want to do something different, just know that there are millions of us out there who are doing it too! And it's awesome! And unlike me, you don't have to tell a soul! I just wanted to share and offer my support to other women out there who struggle with the same thing and let you know that if you don't feel pretty, you CAN!

And tell the haters to kiss your behind!

Deciding to LOVE Myself...Beginning a Low-Carb Diet

Love is the greatest of all things!

Love conquers all! 

Love makes the world go 'round! 

Love will keep us together! 

Love is a many splendored thing! 

Love is all you need! 

I love LOVE! 

But as I reflected who and what I love, I realized that there was one person who didn't get much consideration or love at all....and that person is me. 

I don't love me (which is sad, because I think I'm pretty lovable). But I will admit here friends, that I have been terribly unhappy lately. To the point where I'm wondering if I need medication or counseling or therapy, it's that profound. 

Profoundly unhappy.

Life is too short and too beautiful a gift to spend it miserable. 

I need a change.

Now, I'm not going to bore you with a long, giant explanation for why I'm experiencing despair and choosing to overhaul and revamp my life; those reasons will unfold as the days, and all I need to do to accomplish this overhaul unfolds (because overhauling a life is no small undertaking, so there will be lots to talk about)!

Just let me say that I am maybe the unhappiest I've ever been. Some of it is external, but only because of my own doing. I firmly believe that no one has the power to make you happy or unhappy...IT'S ALL ON YOU! 

But there are some external things, namely my home environment (disorganized, cluttered), for example, that is causing a good deal of unhappiness in my life. One could say that it's probably because I am disorganized and cluttered! 

Another reason for my unhappiness, the thing that I am starting off with today is my health. It's time to change my eating and activity level. Not because I want to look good, but because, as I look to the future, I don't want to feel like I do now...and right now, I feel OLD and TIRED and I HURT. 

If I feel this way at 41, how will I feel at 61? 

Sixty isn't considered "elderly" anymore! I mean, have you seen Christie Brinkley? She's 60 and looks FABULOUS! She is going to be in Sports Illustrated again...AT 60!!! My mind is blown!

Sports Illustrated 2017

I will talk more about the specifics of my health another day, but for today, let's just talk about revamping my eating with a low-carb eating plan. I have arthritis, bursitis, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and even had a stroke last year (we'll talk more about that later)! Some of you may condemn a drastic change in eating, but when you've had an experience such as having a stroke, you know drastic is paramount!

I weighed 289.3 pounds this morning (I should also mention that I'm nearly 6' tall...5' 11 3/4" to be exact). 

Pics from this week...

Just a few years ago, I had gotten down to 239 on the divorce diet (don't recommend that one). 

Me at 250 lbs...much better

I jest, but going through a painful divorce cause me to lose a lot of weight...and I actually felt great! No pain, I had energy, I felt lighter, and I even wanted to exercise! I started hiking and getting outside, it was wonderful! 

But when I gained the weight back, not only did I have a stroke, but my gallbladder had to be removed (turning 40 was rough!).

My doctor recommended a low-carb diet, which I've had a lot of success with in the past. I've also read that sugar is a terrible inflammatory, which will help ease the pain of the arthritis and bursitis in my hip joints. Some days it's hard to even walk.

So, there you go...deciding to love myself, step one? Eating a low carb diet! 

THIS is what I brought to eat at work.

Boiled eggs and bacon for breakfast, coffee with cream and Splenda, pepperoni slices, diet Coke, flavored water, pork rinds for snacks, and chicken wings with blue cheese dressing for lunch (it was sooo good!). 

I know there are a lot of artificial sweeteners in my drinks, which some don't like because they are said to cause cancer. But like I said before, my situation is urgent and I have to weigh my current poor health (stroke) against whether or not a packet of Splenda may or may not cause cancer. I just can't worry about that right now. Maybe sometime down the road, because it is a legitimate concern. But right now, I have to focus on the issues at hand, and the most important thing is using what I have and getting my weight down. I know that there are other sugar substitute alternatives (I do my research people), but I will have to get those later. Right now, I have Splenda, and Splenda is what I'm using. :)

When I got home from work, I ate a cup of sugar-free jello with whipped cream (full fat!), and for dinner I had a simple salad (lettuce, tomato, dressing) because I really wasn't all that hungry. When I've done this diet in the past, that is my norm (to eat very light come dinner time). 

As an aside....it feels good to be writing again...to create and to share. I'm glad I have this little nook here on the interwebs to share with you. I hope you will comment and subscribe so we can make this journey together. :)

Divorce Drama and 4 Strategies to Get YOURSELF Out of the Pits!

Today I had another court hearing over child-support, visitation, blah, blah, blah. I cant adequately describe how incredibly annoying, frustrating, and out right degrading it is to have a judge dictate to you what you are going to do with your own child, your time, your LIFE! And I truly resent having EVER been put in this situation!

Today was a 50/50 kind of day for me. child support was FINALLY set to what it should have been nearly 2 years ago, but now, I've been ordered to drive long, long hours to meet my daughter's father for his visitation. I AM NOT happy about it.

Why do I continue to have to be inconvenienced because of his choices? It's unfair. VERY unfair. And I have the kind of personality that dwells incessantly over injustice. I analyze every word, all my mistakes, the things I could have done, could have said, but forgot (even though I had three pages of detailed notes)!

And this is why lawyers are useful....but I digress.

I have cried, complained, felt hurt, felt defeated, felt wronged and unheard all day. But after a nice nap, I have a new perspective! I WON'T live and wallow in my pit when I have the power to be happy...

So here are a few tips on how I changed my mood and perspective and how you can lift your own self up (cuz honey, ain't nobody gonna do it for you, and therapy is expensive!)

#1. Trust God

I may not understand why or how or when, but HE DOES. There's no one more trustworthy than my loving Heavenly Father, and I chose long ago to trust Him, no matter what. He's never let me down. Giving Him my troubles makes me feel instantly better. But you have to actually let go of them, not take them back and then continue to dwell on them. Which leads me to....

#2. Align Your Thinking with God's Word

Maybe you have one of those personality types that hates injustice like I do. But guess what?

God hates injustice too! Isaiah 61:8 says,

"For I, the LORD, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people and make an everlasting covenant with them."

God will repay all injustice, and He only (not earthly judges) will decide in the end. We have that to look forward to! 

See? When you know the truth, then you have something else to dwell on. Dwell on God, His goodness and His truth.

#3. Find Light IN the Tunnel--Not Just at the End

What is good in your life right now? Sure God will repay all injustices in the end and all will be made right, etc. etc...amen! But what is good in my life right now? 
I was upset today, but when I began to look at the blessings in my life now, it was hard to stay depressed. It felt silly actually to focus so much energy and thinking on just one negative thing.

I mean, I have my daughter, my health, a roof over my head, reliable transportation, I have a job, and I am planning a wedding and getting married to a wonderful, supportive man. A lot of really exciting things are happening! Why be upset over things happening far into the future? I trust Jesus' good advice.....

"...do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34


He says instead in verse 33 to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. Again, letting go of worry and looking to God and His goodness brings peace. 

#4. Do Something Good for YOU
When someone we love is hurting, we do our best to cheer them up, right? But why wait for someone else to lift your spirits when you're perfectly capable of doing it yourself?! 

Love yourself by doing something you enjoy! I got up from my nap (one thing I enjoy!) refreshed and decided to make a recipe I had been wanting to try (a knockoff Zoe's Kitchen white bean soup recipe found here). It was delicious and comforting and hit the spot...INSTANT HAPPY! 

Then I decided to write. Writing always clears my head and helps me organize my thoughts. So, I dusted off the ol' blog and set out to slam my ex, the judge, the courts, the system, 

the man, 

the machine!!!

wait...what?

...you see where this was going....

But after reading back over all that mess, I decided it wasn't me, and all that negativity wasn't worth valuable "Angie Acapella" real estate. So, I decided to rinse and repeat, but this time, with positivity! 

The Bible says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

So be encouraged and encourage yourself! God has great plans for each of us and it is not worth our precious time here on earth to focus and dwell on what's wrong all the time. Let's honor Him by focusing on what's good and His good plans for us! (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

Thanks so much for reading and I hope to write more soon!

My Prozac: Part 2

There was one morning sometime in October, several weeks after I had left and was drowning under the weight of the drudgery of work, moving, commuting, dealing with constant nausea, taking care of my child, dealing with the separation from my husband and the destruction of my world when I just snapped! I couldn't take it anymore. I was done.

I had to leave so very early to commute to work, usually around 5:30 am. But that night I had stayed awake until the wee hours of the night writing emails that would have destroyed my husband. It sooo wasn't me, but I wasn't rational. My thinking (and poor advice from well meaning friends) was, if I had to suffer, he should have to suffer!

I hadn't slept...

I was exhausted to say the least, and exhaustion can make you crazy!

I felt crazy.

I couldn't think clearly. I was irrational.
All I wanted was quiet in my head.

So, as I did many mornings, I fantasized about driving my car into the side of the mountain. If I did, the pain would stop. I wouldn't have to cry anymore or feel sick, or throw up, or try to make sense of it anymore and I wouldn't want to hurt anybody.

I just needed peace. I needed the racing, irrational thoughts in my head to stop.

It was hell. I won't lie.
No wonder people seek medication! Peace is invaluable and if that's the only way you can get it? I say DO IT and DO IT QUICKLY! I do not judge or criticize anyone for taking medication. Do what you have to do to get through the day friend! I just found I didn't need it.

And here's why....

I've narrowed it down to 3 P's that have sustained me through this whole hellish year (and is the key, I believe to living your life altogether).

Praise, Prayer and the Promises.

That morning, my saving grace was the worship CD, Running to You by my old church, Quest Community in Lexington, Kentucky. One song says over and over...

"From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the center. It's all about You, yes it's all about You.."

I sang, and cried, and sang and cried (praise is key, even if you don't feel like it! Especially if you don't feel like it!). I sang to that CD every morning. But that morning, I got ANGRY! Real angry!
AT GOD!

I started yelling at Him!

It was ugly folks!

I asked, "Why?" over and over and over. I wanted so badly to send those emails! I tried every which way to justify why I had every right to do just that! To ruin him!

It was a war inside my soul! The Spirit inside of me whispered, "No." But my flesh was screaming "DO IT! HE DESERVES IT!"

Here's a tip. If you're wondering if the voice you're hearing is God or not, remember, God is a gentleman. His voice is generally quiet and always calm. He doesn't get in a hurry. If the voice you're hearing causes you to feel anxious, like you have to make a decision now? If it's screaming or throwing a tantrum, I can guarantee it's the flesh. The flesh wants what it wants...it gets uncomfortable easily. It doesn't want what God wants. The flesh is a spoiled toddler...a crybaby.

SO, DON'T LISTEN TO IT!

STOP!!!

WAIT!!!! (I've learned this from experience folks...trust me...wait.)



Now, back to the story....



I was the first one at school and pulled into the parking lot, mad! I stormed into my classroom still mad! I had snapped! I wasn't continuing one more second unless Jesus SHOWED UP! And I told Him so!
I yelled out, "Jesus! I can't do this anymore! I won't do this anymore if you don't show up RIGHT NOW! I am walking out that door and I'm never coming back again! And I mean it!"

I had my hard-back Amplified Bible in my hand and I threw it on my desk. Yes! I literally slammed it down!!! (I told you, I was MAD!) And I yelled out, "Show me something!!!"

I randomly flung open my Bible and threw down my pointed finger in a fury on whatever verse it landed on, and boy did it land on a doozie!!!

And guess what happened next?
I started to laugh....
Yes! I started laughing!

Jesus had met me! And not only did He meet me,

He showed me,

rescued me,

directed me,

comforted me,

reassured me and has sustained me all at the same time,

WITH THREE VERSES!

Want to know what they are?

These verses have been the promises I've stood on. I've gone back to them so many times, I have them memorized. They have been strength to me. But even more so they've been, LIFE! And when you're wanting to slam your car into the side of the mountain, a reason to live is pretty important!

1 Thessalonians 5:22-24

22 Abstain from evil [shrink from it and keep aloof from it] in whatever form

or whatever kind it may be.

23 And may the God of peace Himself sanctify you through and through [separate you from profane things, make you pure and wholly consecrated to God]; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved sound and complete [and found] blameless at the coming of our

Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah).

23 Faithful is He Who is calling you [to Himself] and utterly trustworthy, and He will also do it [fulfill His call by hallowing and keeping you].

Oh my gosh! In the first verse! Jesus sure told me! And that's why I started laughing. I knew He had met me...like for real. And I haven't been the same since!

So, right there in verse 22 was the answer to me wanting to send those ugly emails. He was saying, "I don't care how bad you feel or what's been done to you, YOU have to abstain from sinning in spite of it."
Jesus don't play y'all!

He's kind and forgiving and comforting, but He was despised for His frankness and the way He spoke the truth whether people liked it or not.
See, the Truth always convicts. And most people, if they were being honest, don't like to be exposed or corrected.
But luckily, I'm not one of those people. I happen to love correction ("Whoever loves instruction and correction loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is like a brute beast, stupid and indiscriminating." Proverbs 12:1...Ouch! I love correction because I NEVER want to be considered a stupid, indiscriminating beast! lol).
So, He corrected me first, which made me laugh that He was so straightforward with me.

That moment of laughter broke the ice. I wasn't angry anymore. So, I was able to really receive the rest of what He had to say.
Remember how I talked about feeling "crazy." Like I couldn't get the voices in my head to be quiet? And I didn't have peace? Verse 23 addressed that...WOW!

"And may the God of peace Himself sanctify you through and through [separate you from profane things, make you pure and wholly consecrated to God]; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved sound and complete..."
He was promising me that He, the God of peace, would keep my spirit, soul and body sound and complete. I didn't have to feel crazy! He promised to give me a sound mind through His peace. To say that I was blown away and so very grateful for that word is an understatement. I was absolutely in awe that He actually saw me in my anguish and provided a way out...Himself.

Always Himself.
He is our everything...the I AM!

And lastly, the part that spoke hope to me. The best part of all.

That while I had questions and was angry about the ugly turn my life had taken, he spoke so reassuringly...

I am "utterly trustworthy."

Those words still feel like the softest feather pillow under my tired and weary head.

He is "utterly trustworthy."

When I just don't understand. He is utterly trustworthy.

When I'm wrong and make mistakes. He is utterly trustworthy.

When people are mean to me. He is utterly trustworthy.

My husband doesn't want to come back...ever. He is utterly trustworthy.

When the answer to my prayer is, "No." He is utterly trustworthy.

My family was not restored. He is utterly trustworthy.

Healing doesn't seem to be happening fast enough. He is utterly trustworthy.

My heart is broken. He is utterly trustworthy.

I cry every day. He is utterly trustworthy.

I don't know which way to turn next. He is utterly trustworthy.

I'm scared I'll never be happy again. He is utterly trustworthy.

He really is. I know it...I've proved it.

I am happy. Really!
So, there's the ugly story y'all (one of many).

But I hope you took away from it that peace, or anything else you need is just right around the corner. You can't give up. I know you want to. But you can't. So many good things are right around the corner! I found that out too!

I didn't take, nor have I ever taken medication. I didn't need it. I'm one of those crazy people that actually believes God's Word and (though I fail often) tries to live it out. And I've found...IT WORKS!
Prayer was where I found my peace of mind.

Praise is where I found my joy...
and the Promises in God's Word has been where I've found direction, hope and so much more.

And you can too.
I encourage you to get in your Bible and let Jesus start speaking to you. If you ask Him, He will...I promise.





You Can Overcome: Part 1

Let me tell you a story. About me.

It's pretty depressing and scary actually. But I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not the only one who's been there.

In a heap...

Helpless...

Curled up on the bathroom floor...

Really scared...

I KNOW I'm not the only one, because many of you have shared with me instances when you've been there too. And I'm so very thankful for those courageous and caring people who, very early on in my separation from my husband of 17 years, recognized that something wasn't right and reached out to me. A lot of them knew from first hand experience what I was going through and gladly offered up encouragement and prayers. It did wonders for my healing to know I wasn't the only one. That's why I feel so very passionate about being real and sharing with someone else that....

THERE IS HOPE! There really is.

I didn't believe it either...didn't believe it for a long time actually.

I think we do an injustice to one another when we glaze over our pain like everything is okay, because we all know that it's not. We all know! So why do we pretend? Some people are just so very desperate for a listening ear and for someone to look them in the eye, and with all sincerity confess, "Me too."

That night, the night he said,

and said...

and said...all those awful words...words that didn't even seem like his own...

that seem locked in tight in the deep crevices of my soul...

"Divorce...I'm not happy...I don't love you...I haven't for years...."

The abrasiveness of those words and their bindings still rub raw places on my heart.

I've learned not to let my mind wander back to that night very often, if ever. The pain there is too visceral...still. And I don't like to feel pain.

I remember walking away, my feet like cinder blocks trudging up the two flights of stairs to my bathroom where I collapsed over the toilet to vomit, heaving from the uncontrollable sobs and from the nausea of the sick reality that had forcefully and unexpectedly just punched me in the gut. And there I lay...on the bathroom floor, longing for my husband to come to me...but he never came.

I was alone, feeling like the ugliest, most unloved, rejected person in the world.

I so needed him...

but he never came.

I don't know how I managed it that night, but I got up and I went to bed. I didn't know what to do. Should I stay? Should I go? What do I do with my daughter? She had school the next day. I had school the next day! How was I going to stand up in front of 20 five-year-olds and keep it together? How was I going to face my own 5 year old and keep it together?

I prayed all night.

And the promise, as all of His promises do, rang true like the calm in the middle of the hurricane...

"...His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning." Lamentations 3:22-23

 



The next morning I had clarity. I knew what I had to do, and from deep down mustered the strength to do it.

I left.

I called in to my work for the next few days, packed our clothes and a few belongings, I signed my daughter out of school, said goodbye to him and we left. So many things were uncertain. But as I drove away from the town where we lived, I knew it was over for good. I hoped it wasn't...but I just knew.

So, my daughter and I moved in with my parents an hour away from my job and I enrolled her in school there so that they could help me, and I commuted...2 hours every day.

And let me just say, His mercies were indeed new every morning or I could not have done it. How do I know God is real? How do I know that He's alive and working today? Because I cried out to him and He answered! He gave me 3 instructions, which, in His kindness, He knew was all I had the energy for. And that was to keep working, to take care of my daughter and to leave my husband alone. I failed miserably at all three at times (especially the last one) but I tried. And in my weakness I found myself on the bathroom floor many, many more times but He always met me there.

My husband never came.

...but Jesus did.

Jesus came.

I so needed Him and He came. In fact, He never left my side. Not once. He's with me even now, giving me the strength to write this as tears stream down my face.

He knows.

He was rejected too. He was unloved and despised and resented too.

Jesus knows pain. And He's a master at healing it.

With one word, He can change the whole trajectory of your healing with ONE WORD.

He did it for me!

Stay tuned.