Sunday, May 3, 2015

My Prozac: Part 2

There was one morning sometime in October, several weeks after I had left and was drowning under the weight of the drudgery of work, moving, commuting, dealing with constant nausea, taking care of my child, dealing with the separation from my husband and the destruction of my world when I just snapped! I couldn't take it anymore. I was done.

I had to leave so very early to commute to work, usually around 5:30 am. But that night I had stayed awake until the wee hours of the night writing emails that would have destroyed my husband. It sooo wasn't me, but I wasn't rational. My thinking (and poor advice from well meaning friends) was, if I had to suffer, he should have to suffer!

I hadn't slept...

I was exhausted to say the least, and exhaustion can make you crazy!

I felt crazy.

I couldn't think clearly. I was irrational.
All I wanted was quiet in my head.

So, as I did many mornings, I fantasized about driving my car into the side of the mountain. If I did, the pain would stop. I wouldn't have to cry anymore or feel sick, or throw up, or try to make sense of it anymore and I wouldn't want to hurt anybody.

I just needed peace. I needed the racing, irrational thoughts in my head to stop.

It was hell. I won't lie.
No wonder people seek medication! Peace is invaluable and if that's the only way you can get it? I say DO IT and DO IT QUICKLY! I do not judge or criticize anyone for taking medication. Do what you have to do to get through the day friend! I just found I didn't need it.

And here's why....

I've narrowed it down to 3 P's that have sustained me through this whole hellish year (and is the key, I believe to living your life altogether).

Praise, Prayer and the Promises.

That morning, my saving grace was the worship CD, Running to You by my old church, Quest Community in Lexington, Kentucky. One song says over and over...

"From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the center. It's all about You, yes it's all about You.."

I sang, and cried, and sang and cried (praise is key, even if you don't feel like it! Especially if you don't feel like it!). I sang to that CD every morning. But that morning, I got ANGRY! Real angry!

I started yelling at Him!

It was ugly folks!

I asked, "Why?" over and over and over. I wanted so badly to send those emails! I tried every which way to justify why I had every right to do just that! To ruin him!

It was a war inside my soul! The Spirit inside of me whispered, "No." But my flesh was screaming "DO IT! HE DESERVES IT!"

Here's a tip. If you're wondering if the voice you're hearing is God or not, remember, God is a gentleman. His voice is generally quiet and always calm. He doesn't get in a hurry. If the voice you're hearing causes you to feel anxious, like you have to make a decision now? If it's screaming or throwing a tantrum, I can guarantee it's the flesh. The flesh wants what it gets uncomfortable easily. It doesn't want what God wants. The flesh is a spoiled toddler...a crybaby.



WAIT!!!! (I've learned this from experience me...wait.)

Now, back to the story....

I was the first one at school and pulled into the parking lot, mad! I stormed into my classroom still mad! I had snapped! I wasn't continuing one more second unless Jesus SHOWED UP! And I told Him so!
I yelled out, "Jesus! I can't do this anymore! I won't do this anymore if you don't show up RIGHT NOW! I am walking out that door and I'm never coming back again! And I mean it!"

I had my hard-back Amplified Bible in my hand and I threw it on my desk. Yes! I literally slammed it down!!! (I told you, I was MAD!) And I yelled out, "Show me something!!!"

I randomly flung open my Bible and threw down my pointed finger in a fury on whatever verse it landed on, and boy did it land on a doozie!!!

And guess what happened next?
I started to laugh....
Yes! I started laughing!

Jesus had met me! And not only did He meet me,

He showed me,

rescued me,

directed me,

comforted me,

reassured me and has sustained me all at the same time,


Want to know what they are?

These verses have been the promises I've stood on. I've gone back to them so many times, I have them memorized. They have been strength to me. But even more so they've been, LIFE! And when you're wanting to slam your car into the side of the mountain, a reason to live is pretty important!

1 Thessalonians 5:22-24
22 Abstain from evil [shrink from it and keep aloof from it] in whatever form
or whatever kind it may be.
23 And may the God of peace Himself sanctify you through and through [separate you from profane things, make you pure and wholly consecrated to God]; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved sound and complete [and found] blameless at the coming of our
Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah).
23 Faithful is He Who is calling you [to Himself] and utterly trustworthy, and He will also do it [fulfill His call by hallowing and keeping you].

Oh my gosh! In the first verse! Jesus sure told me! And that's why I started laughing. I knew He had met for real. And I haven't been the same since!
So, right there in verse 22 was the answer to me wanting to send those ugly emails. He was saying, "I don't care how bad you feel or what's been done to you, YOU have to abstain from sinning in spite of it."
Jesus don't play y'all!
He's kind and forgiving and comforting, but He was despised for His frankness and the way He spoke the truth whether people liked it or not.
See, the Truth always convicts. And most people, if they were being honest, don't like to be exposed or corrected.
But luckily, I'm not one of those people. I happen to love correction ("Whoever loves instruction and correction loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is like a brute beast, stupid and indiscriminating." Proverbs 12:1...Ouch! I love correction because I NEVER want to be considered a stupid, indiscriminating beast! lol).
So, He corrected me first, which made me laugh that He was so straightforward with me.
That moment of laughter broke the ice. I wasn't angry anymore. So, I was able to really receive the rest of what He had to say.
Remember how I talked about feeling "crazy." Like I couldn't get the voices in my head to be quiet? And I didn't have peace? Verse 23 addressed that...WOW!
"And may the God of peace Himself sanctify you through and through [separate you from profane things, make you pure and wholly consecrated to God]; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved sound and complete..."
He was promising me that He, the God of peace, would keep my spirit, soul and body sound and complete. I didn't have to feel crazy! He promised to give me a sound mind through His peace. To say that I was blown away and so very grateful for that word is an understatement. I was absolutely in awe that He actually saw me in my anguish and provided a way out...Himself.
Always Himself.
He is our everything...the I AM!
And lastly, the part that spoke hope to me. The best part of all.
That while I had questions and was angry about the ugly turn my life had taken, he spoke so reassuringly...

I am "utterly trustworthy."
Those words still feel like the softest feather pillow under my tired and weary head.
He is "utterly trustworthy."
When I just don't understand. He is utterly trustworthy.
When I'm wrong and make mistakes. He is utterly trustworthy.

When people are mean to me. He is utterly trustworthy.
My husband doesn't want to come back...ever. He is utterly trustworthy.
When the answer to my prayer is, "No." He is utterly trustworthy.

My family was not restored. He is utterly trustworthy.
Healing doesn't seem to be happening fast enough. He is utterly trustworthy.

My heart is broken. He is utterly trustworthy.
I cry every day. He is utterly trustworthy.

I don't know which way to turn next. He is utterly trustworthy.
I'm scared I'll never be happy again. He is utterly trustworthy.
He really is. I know it...I've proved it.
I am happy. Really!
So, there's the ugly story y'all (one of many).
But I hope you took away from it that peace, or anything else you need is just right around the corner. You can't give up. I know you want to. But you can't. So many good things are right around the corner! I found that out too!
I didn't take, nor have I ever taken medication. I didn't need it. I'm one of those crazy people that actually believes God's Word and (though I fail often) tries to live it out. And I've found...IT WORKS!
Prayer was where I found my peace of mind.
Praise is where I found my joy...
and the Promises in God's Word has been where I've found direction, hope and so much more.
And you can too.
I encourage you to get in your Bible and let Jesus start speaking to you. If you ask Him, He will...I promise.

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