Angie Acapella: Mostly...I'll Just Miss Her

I started this blog back in 2009. I was a new, stay-at-home-mom with a lot of time on her hands and a brain that felt like it was turning to mush. I needed an outlet! I needed SOMETHING! I had been working and going to school since I was 18 years old and at age 34 with a new baby at home, I felt sort of lost. So, that something turned into writing a blog.

And I'm so glad I did. :)

I've chronicled so many of life's events and adventures here.

Birthdays, anniversaries, moves, job losses, new jobs, new cities, firsts, lasts and a bunch of in-betweens.

But this week marks a milestone.

My new baby that changed my whole world 5 years ago will now be leaving the nest and heading off into the big new world of elementary school!

I have been an emotional wreck this week...I won't lie.

I've cried many tears and thought many things....a lot is swirling around in my mind.

Mostly...

I'll just miss her.

I've thought about all the smiles and giggles and laughs we've had. The tickle fights and the corny jokes only a preschooler and her mommy understand and have a chuckle over. I'll miss those.

But mostly...

I'll just miss her.

I think, "Will she be safe? Of course she will, silly." I tell myself. "School is the safest place on earth!" And then I'm reminded of those Kindergarten babies who won't get to start first grade this year because school became the most unsafe place for them. But I quickly shake off those feelings because I'll go nuts if I don't, and instead I say a prayer for the parents of those sweet angels from Sandy Hook. I know they miss their babies.

I've thought about how it will all feel to her. Will she be afraid? School is terrifying when you're small and all alone with your hall pass, and the corridors to the bathroom seem so long and the ceilings so tall. Your stomach feels a little queasy when there stands a potential new friend and you're trying to muster the courage to talk to her. You don't exactly feel safe when you're asked to "leap" a hundred times a day into unknown waters when all you're prepared to do is dip in your big toe. I wonder how she'll handle all this...without me? I'll really miss being her personal cheerleader and holding her hand.

But mostly...

I'll just miss her.

She and I have an understanding you see. She knows where my limits lie, and I give her a lot of wiggle room. I set boundaries, she tries to push them. I lay out parameters, she oversteps them. I allow her to grow and explore and push and pull where I feel she needs to. I understand her and she understands me. I've been with her nearly every moment since the moment she was born, and she with me. How could we not? An understanding such as we have only comes from the daily ploddings along together. From the stamping of little feet in protest to the quick turn of mother's head and the explosive twinkling in her eye that warns, "You better stop that this instant!" I'm going to miss our daily battles, our tugs of war...for better or for worse.

But mostly...

I'll just miss her.

Will everyone think she's as wonderful as I know she is? She has such a pure little heart. She has a temper. She loves to play and to laugh. She loves music and rhythm and loves to wiggle and dance. She's been reading for a whole year now and saying her alphabet and counting since she could talk practically. She's so smart and loves to wax poetic about her five years...all she's learned all she's seen. "Mommy, did you know that Jupiter is the biggest planet and it's made of mostly gas? But Mommy, what is a planet?" I'll miss her questions and our talks. I'll miss our lunches together and watching "Peppa Pig" together and making snorting pig noises.

But mostly...

I'll just miss her.

My husband reminded me of something. "God kept His promise you know."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Five years ago when you so wanted to be home with your baby. He kept His promise and you've been with her until she started school...just like you prayed for." He reminded me.

And yes...so beautifully and simply put. "God kept His promise."

I'm on the other side of the prayer I prayed while my precious little one was still growing in my tummy. I had no idea if it would be answered or not, but content with His will alone...and I gave her to Him.

Wow.

So, standing on the edge of another season of unknowns, I will choose to trust once more, knowing with all my heart that He, who loves her infinitely more than I do, is so very faithful to us both.

Gabby, 16 months.

So, as I turn the corner on a new season in my life, I wonder where the time has gone. It truly goes by too quickly. Luckily, I've taken the time to record a lot of our daily happenings here, on this blog, and will continue to do so as my now big Kindergarten girl does class projects, wins awards, goes on field trips, and as I move on to whatever God has planned for me.

I truly have such a blessed life. :)