Sex Is A Gift

                                     Graphic by Kevin Small

                                

I've heard it so many times, from different women, from all circles, even from my own mouth! "My husband just wants sex. We're having problems, and just because we've had sex a few times since, he thinks that we're ok now, but we're not!" We often make sex the bad guy, when sex is a gift to us. I just realized this last night.

"Old sayings become old sayings for a reason. It's because they're usually true," I've heard Dr. Phil say many times. And after some recent stumbles in my own marriage, have come to find a certain "old saying" to be true as well. And that is, "Make-up sex is the best sex!" It really is!

The only problem is, you can't find out how incredibly intimate and amazing it can be unless you go through some serious hardships or battles. Those times when you find yourselves at odds or hurting can be difficult to get past (trust me, I know full well), but they also make for a perfect opportunity to reconnect in a way that only a husband and wife can. Make-up sex can say, "I am committed to you and I want to be close to you and show you how much I love you" (among other things).

I think we women can become offended because our husbands, while meeting our need (and his) for intimacy in the bedroom, may feel like he's falling short in meeting our emotional needs.

"He was so attentive and passionate last night in the bedroom, but today, he's hardly noticed me!"

 I get it, I've felt it too and I've had my feelings hurt by my husband's lack of attention after the fact. You feel like all he wants you for is your body and doesn't engage you or care for you in any other areas of your life. But are we communicating that fairly or expecting them to read our minds?

Face it ladies, our husbands aren't like us. They don't think like us or feel like us and most of the time don't even understand us. The sooner we realize this, the better off and happier we will be because we ain't gonna change 'em. 


Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus wasn't an epic best-seller for nothin'! We have to communicate as honestly and clearly as we can what we need from our husbands. Otherwise, I can promise you, they ain't gonna just know.

For instance, if you had mind blowing sex the night before and he passes you in the hall on the way to the bathroom the next morning and doesn't speak, it doesn't mean he doesn't love or care about you, it means, he's a sleepy grizzly bear coming out of hibernation and all that's on his mind is taking a leak (sorry to be so course...but it's the truth).

It has nothing to do with you.

But how 'bout, instead of being insulted and sulky about it and confusing the heck out of him, you initiate the conversation. While he's brushing his teeth at the sink, you could sneak up behind him and whisper in his ear, "Good morning sexy. Did you sleep well?" I can picture it now. His mouth would be on the floor, and so would the toothbrush! You would definitely get his attention and you might even get a little, "good extra lovin" that morning if you're not careful!

That "wink and a smile" playfulness could go on all day. I would much rather have that than hatefulness (which I have been guilty of...and it's not fun) toward my husband.

Now fellas, this does not let you off the hook! It is not your wife's responsibility to take care of emotional needs that only you can tend to.

You must be intentional about letting her know that she is listened to and valued and cherished and that she alone is the apple of your eye. And if she's let you know what she needs and you're not putting in the effort to try to meet them, then you're accountable.

Ask yourself why you're not willing to meet your wife's needs. Are you harboring resentment? Are you angry with her about something? Are you withholding good things from her that only you can give, as a manipulation? If so, you're in sin and need to deal with that sin with God. He will always meet you where you are and help you, even with things you don't understand sometimes (like your wife).

How can you be intentional? Take the lead. Put her first.

One weekend during the beautiful autumn months, instead of spending that whole day watching football indoors (all the best parts of the game are recapped and each play explained and scrutinized the entire following week for heaven's sake, so you're not really missing anything), get tickets to one of the games and tell her you're going to make a "date" of it, and spend the whole day together.

I hate football on TV, but when my husband takes me to the games, I actually enjoy it. I just love being with him, and seeing him have a good time brings me joy.

Or, if you're a forgetful type guy, program into your phone's calendar to remind you 3 times during the week to send her a text, just to let her know you're thinking about her.

Nothing makes my heart melt like getting a text from my husband during a busy work day, just to let me know that amidst the business, I am on his mind.

And those little "sexts?" I like those too. It's playful and makes me feel like we're dating and he's my boyfriend again (although, there was no such thing as "sexting" when we were dating 16 years ago).

It's just fun! And don't our marriages, in the midst of all the hard and heavy, need a little fun and playfulness?

Again, be intentional. Don't think she should just know that you love and care about her, tell her so and SHOW HER so.

And ladies, are you withholding your affection or sex from your husband because you're harboring sin in your heart? If so, you also need to come clean before God and ask Him to forgive you and help you.

I have to admit, that I have been guilty of this recently. I have been angry with my husband and have been withholding my support, affection and love, even when I knew deep in my heart, he desperately needed it.

And to be honest, under these circumstances (which I won't go into), anyone would agree that I would have every right to be angry and hurt. And when you're angry and hurt, the last thing you want to do is be caring and loving and affectionate with the one who hurt you.

But you know what? I'm going to do it anyway.

I love my husband with all my heart. And even though I'm hurt, I still see that he's hurting too. It's like he's sick and I'm the only one who has the medicine that will make it better and I'm withholding it. I've felt like I had the right to withhold it, but I don't. Christ has never withheld love or forgiveness from me, even when I rejected Him, so I have not right to do that to anyone else...especially not my husband.

So, I am choosing to see sex as a gift...a freaking awesome gift! My favorite gift! Like, The 4th of July, Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one! Amazing and wonderful and special and just for me!

I am choosing to communicate clearly with my husband when he is not meeting my needs in other areas. And I choose not to resent his need and my need for sexual intimacy, even when other areas are lacking. I choose to trust God to help us meet each other's needs, emotionally and spiritually.

I choose to be thankful that sex isn't a problem for us, as I know a lot of couples struggle in this area.

Thank you God for my husband and for my marriage. Thank you for the good and the bad. The good is a rest and the bad, a chance to lean into You. Thank you for the hurt, for it is a chance to allow Your healing to make us better. And thank You for an imperfect marriage, because if our marriages were perfect, we would not need Your pure and perfect love. And I need Your love Jesus.

And last but not least...I choose to take advantage of all the make-up sex I can get...cuz it rocks! ;)