One thing I realized recently is that I have the power to do whatever I want and make the life I want (all within God's will of course...we can't do ANYTHING out of His will and it be successful. That's why prayer and spending time with Him is PARAMOUNT in this process of self-examination! The beauty is, He begins to tell you who you are, which is so much greater than you ever dreamed you could be...oh how He loves us!). And SO DO YOU! That means that sometimes, when things seem impossible, passionate, smart, resourceful, creative people get busy making the things that they care about happen in their lives!
Now, in all honesty, I haven't always felt this way or had this surge of empowerment. Quite honestly, for most of my adult life, I've felt like a victim in many areas. One, being my weight. I've always felt like something was wrong with me, that I was just predisposed to this body and my attitudes about hating exercise, hating health food, hating the whole idea of just not having what I wanted, when I wanted it! Self-deprivation? NEVER!
But over the past year and a half, I've really done some serious self-examination and asked myself what it was I really wanted (this is hard, deep, intensive work, that can't be done overnight). What I really want is the right to just have that bowl of ice cream at midnight? Seriously? A year ago, my answer would have been, "Yes, it is!" I mean, how shallow. How immature (but that's the flesh for ya! a screaming, crying, little baby!)! But now, I don't feel that way so much. What I really want is to lay my head down at night feeling satisfied and at peace. Do you see the difference? Before, I was bound by my craving and desire for immediate gratification, but now, I'm becoming more content with just peace, and the long lasting, real satisfaction that goes along with it. Peace with the decisions I made that day, peace with myself, peace knowing that I did all I could to be the best me I could be.
That sounds easy enough, right? We all want peace, right? Well, no, I don't think we do. Some people want to worry and wring their hands, as if that's more righteous than letting God have it already! And sadly, they pretty much hate themselves, which leads to them enacting even more destruction in their lives. And the thing is, I don't think these people even know or get it yet. Their eyes just aren't opened to their own fallacies. I know, because mine were not either and I pretty much hated myself too. Sure, I lived a pretty peaceful life (I'm not one for drama), but there was always a war raging inside me of regret, self-hate, blame, finger pointing, fear, worry...but a cool complacency about it all. A mask and a fake smile that told the world, "I'm perfectly fine," but a garbage heap of lies and fear on the inside. And I say I HATE hypocrisy?!
So, I've been taking a real look at all of this over the past year. It all started with my "sahmbie" blog, but even after the year I gave myself to write about it, I still found that I hadn't dealt with a lot of my issues (that's a buzz word right now, used to encompass a great deal of things, but the TRUTH is, it's called "pain." You have to deal with the pain. And examining the pain is harder to endure and look at than the ever hollow buzz phrase, "I just have issues." That's just another mask.).
And what I've come up with (not that I'm done, discovering), is that I am no wimp! I've let a lot of things from my past dictate to me a lot of lies. But when I look deep within and let God speak to me about who I really am, I see some really amazing things! It's hard to trust that, because it means I have to start walking in that excellence. And quite honestly, it's easier to walk in the muddiness of who I've been all these years than to be that person...that God made me (is that a real statement or what? How many of you can relate?!). But how I really long to be that person. And the thing is God sees me as that person and is probably perplexed when I make decisions that don't reflect what she would do...the real me. My prayer is that I start to see myself that way! But I have discovered that circumstances and my supposed "reality" have nothing to do with me having the things I really want in life, nothing at all. It all takes time, but I can be, become, have, do ALL of the things God has for me and has made me to be. And one of them is NOT this unhealthy, tired, muddling, fat person (among other things) that I am now.
Friends, I could go on for days about what I've uncovered on this road of self-discovery, but I won't. ha! I will however, keep you posted on my progress and how God is strengthening and changing me along the way.
Just know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by the hands of the One who crafted...
...the rings of Saturn
...the Grand Canyon
...The Great Barrier Reef
...and the Hawaiian Sunset.
But He says that YOU are His greatest creation. YOU have His very Spirit dwelling inside of you and if you've asked Him to live there, His own Son, Jesus Christ grafted into your heart and DNA. You are a new creation in Christ and filled with His strength and power...NOTHING can stand against YOU! He loves you and is helping you and is guiding your every step. His hands and arms are always open and His power is always available. Go to Him and ask Him to tell you who you really are...
if you're really ready to know.