I had a funny dream the other night that completely messed me up for a few days!
I dreamed that this lady that I used to know from back home was retiring from teaching Kindergarten (she was never even a teacher...so that was weird). I was hired to be her replacement! I dreamed that I walked into this woman's former Kindergarten classroom as the new teacher. I even remember thinking in my dream that I was glad she left 40 years of "stuff" for me to go through (which most new teachers hate by the way) because I got rid of all my "teacher stuff" when I left teaching. In the dream, it felt good to be back in a classroom strangely enough. I was excited to decorate my room and to meet the new kids. I was actually looking forward to it.
And to be honest, I didn't dislike it all, there were a lot of things I actuallyenjoyed about teaching. I loved the kids, I loved being creative, I loved working with my colleagues and teaching and learning all kinds of new things. But the parts I hated were those colleagues who were two faced, fake, power hungry, disloyal, condescending, selfish, dramatic, anal, unsupportive, untrustworthy and just plain mean! The ones who made coming to work absolutely miserable with their very presence! Ugh! The politics, the regulations, the irrational parents, the CAN'Ts, the NO's, the ridiculous rules. These were a few of the things I seriously DISLIIKED and was glad to be away from. But in my dream, I was actually looking forward to going back...so much so, I that I couldn't get it off my mind for DAYS!
I just had so many questions swirling in my mind. Do I really miss it? Do I want to be back in a classroom with those eager children that I loved? Should I be contributing to my family's finances by bringing in a paycheck? Am I doing enough? Wouldn't going back to work full time take some of the burden and pressure off of my husband? I just didn't know the answer. I went so far as to download the online applications in the new county I live in, thinking that I should at least apply, so that if this is a desire God is giving me, I'll at least have cracked the door if He wanted to open it all the way.
But the questions that really started to weigh on me were ultimately the deciding factors. Where would my daughter go? A daycare? Some stranger's house? How would she feel being away from home, over stimulated, tired, bored, lonely, missing her mommy all day when she's so used to having me around? She would be confused and honestly, not a bit happy!
I actually remember this feeling. My own mother says I couldn't have been much older than 2 or so, because I wasn't with this babysitter for long, but I can remember being without my mommy. I remember feeling sad that she wasn't around, not comfortable because I wasn't at my own house and couldn't quite be myself. I remember missing her terribly wondering when I would see her again. I always knew that she came to get me around the time "Mr. Cartoon" came on (a cartoon show that always came on from 4-5pm on a local channel), and if she was late, I would start to get anxious. I've never forgotten those feelings.
I used to see this everyday with the little ones I took care of in daycares. In the evenings, the kids would get particularly anxious and fussy. As soon as their parents would walk in, it was like a huge burden was lifted off their little shoulders. You could just see their whole countenance relax. It was quite sad to watch. I just imagined those children growing up with that burden from 6 weeks old to 5 years old. Always WAITING on Mommy, waiting on Daddy. Waiting on someone to take them to the place where they felt safe, where they could relax, where they could be themselves...home. I thought of my own daughter feeling that way and it tore my heart to pieces.
I remembered that I have this gift, this incredible gift of raising her myself! I've never once dreaded waking up to her the way I daily dreaded getting up early and walking into a school, only to be faced with Atilla the Hun! I haven't missed being able to go clothes shopping or shoe shopping, because who needs that stuff when I don't have to impress anyone but a toddler and my husband (who would rather save money anyway)? It dawned on me that as long as I could, I should hold on to this gift tight because as all you moms say all the time, you blink, and they're grown. To remember that the few hundred bucks I would bring home (after all the incurred childcare expenses) is already coming in with my home-based business. That God promised me that He would take care of us and this baby, and He has and He WILL!
And as far as taking the burden from my husband. I just started thinking that this is a time of stretching and growing for him. He's really having to learn to trust God in a way he never has before. If I just jumped impulsively and got a job, would I be robbing him of the gift God is giving him or the lessons God is trying to teach him? He's not happy being the "sole provider" right now, but what's on the other side of this season of stretching? A feeling of pride, a oneness and trust with the Father that he's never quite experienced before? Only time will tell. But we would never know if I jumped back into a full time job.
I pray that God makes me the Proverbs 31 woman that I long to be and that He helps my hubby through this growing phase without too many pains!
So after those few days of questioning, the answer was clear once again...I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...HAPPILY HOME! And I love it!!!!!