You would understand the title of this post better if you read the previous one. I was on the edge folks.
And about to jump!
But thankfully a splendid day at the spa from my very lucky husband (yes, after getting me this terribly extravagant birthday present, he'll get lucky...whoa...did I just type that out loud? LOL and TMI...but I am married after all ya'll) I am no longer ready to jump off a bridge, or a ledge. I'm planted very firmly on the ground now and ready for a few more rounds. A day of pampering will do that to a person!
All I requested for my birthday was a massage (I've been having pain between my shoulder blades since the baby was born, that just needed worked out), a pedicure and a haircut. I've had all of these services at one time or another and would guess that the cost of the three would average around about $140.00. That's still a lot of money, but it's what I wanted (and needed). But I quickly realized that my husband went WAY overboard and spent WAY more than that! I'll break down the list of "services" that I received today...and yes, they were wonderful! Expensive...but wonderful.
*Hydrotherapy massage (pretty much a big jacuzzi tub with lots of salts and essential oils added)
*A one hour, 4-Hand Massage (yes two people massaging you at once...it felt a little creepy at first, but I got used to it real quick!)
*Lunch of my choice
*Hair cut and style
So, when I get to the day spa this morning (Alure Salon and Day Spa...I highly recommend it to all you Lexington folks), the guest services guy, Kenneth, met me at the door and escorted me to the "Quiet Room." And they meant it too, because when Kenneth started reading off my "itinerary" for the day, my eyes got as wide as saucers and I yelled, "Shut up!" He quickly "SHHHHED" me and told me that other clients were receiving spa treatments and I had to be quiet. I looked at him like, "Did you just shhhh me? Oh no you di-int!" But I of course politely said, "Oh, sorry. I just can't believe I'm getting all that!" He said, "Yes honey, it's all about you today." I was thinking, "Wow, maybe if I heard that more often, I wouldn't be threatening suicide!" (and please let me just say that I know suicide is no laughing matter, and I WOULD NEVER do that...I'm only making the point, albeit a little strongly, that sometimes as moms we just get to the point where we sometimes do feel lost and alone and over it. I know suicide is nothing to joke about. If you are offended, I am very sorry, but please know that I mean no harm. Just expressing how I feel). But I would go on to hear, "It's all about you today" about a million more times before the day was over.
It started the night before when I told my husband that he didn't have to get me such a nice gift and he replied, "Well you deserve it...I want you to have a day that's all about you (I told ya'll he was pretty awesome)!" But all day it was, "Mrs. Howard, let me know if this hot towel is too hot, it is all about you after all. Okay Mrs. Howard, let me know if I need to adjust the pressure while I rub your feet because we want you to be comfortable...it is ALL about you today. Alright Mrs Howard, what would you like for lunch, it's all about you today so choose anything you like!" I just couldn't help thinking that I just did not deserve this! I just wasn't comfortable with it being all about me, me, me...which is strange because I so usually am! (kidding)
So while I was laying in the hydrotherapy tub, soaking away in a swirl of essential oils and bath salts (are ya'll puking yet?), I began asking myself, "Why do you feel so unworthy?" I mean, why do we feel unworthy of someone taking care of all of our needs for a change? Today someone laid out my clothes for me (bathrobe, slippers, towels), ran my bath water, massaged my sore muscles and tired feet, made me lunch AND cleared away the dishes and the very strangest of all, asked, "Are you happy?" When does anyone ever ask me if I'm happy? When do I ever ask myself if I'm happy? I don't. Cause if I did, I think I'd be afraid of the answer! A part of me wanted to say, "UGHH, NO! I'm soooo uncomfortable with all this! I'd be happy if you would just leave me alone!" But another part of me...the part of me that doesn't get all that much attention and is often neglected, wanted to say, "Can I have more please (in her best English accent)?"
So here's what I concluded during this day of "me-ness." The truth is that it's no one's job or responsibility to take care of me or make me happy. The only one who can do that for me is me, and I should be fired!
I had this revelation years ago when I was angry with my husband for not "making me happy" after a big fight one weekend. I stewed about it and didn't speak to him for a few days until finally it came to me..."he's not responsible for my happiness." I'm with him because he, as he is, makes me happy...not what he can do for me. If I want something that I think is going to bring me "happiness" I'll just have to find a way to get it or do it myself...it's not his job to do that for me. He can do that if he wants to...but it's not his job to. In that moment, I freed him of all responsibility for my happiness. It has worked very well because I don't have these unrealistic expectations of him, so I don't get mad or disappointed when he doesn't meet them. But if you read my blog at all, ya'll know, he's pretty cool (uh hello...he gave me a full day at the spa!) and holds himself to a high standard. And in life, I try to free everyone from those chains as well. Again, it's no ones job to make me happy.
What is happiness anyway? When it comes down to it, I want contentment, joy and peace. Happiness comes and goes, but those three things are what matter and bring real fulfillment in life (and in a marriage). And isn't it better to give than to receive anyway? Well, except in the case of a good foot massage...I'd much rather be on the receiving end! LOL
So what does all this mean? Heck, I don't know? I'm just rambling! LOL
It means that yes, I have been neglecting myself. I do need to make time for me. And not wait until I'm falling off the deep end either. Although a whole day of pampering is wonderful, it's not practical. A little every day is the key I think. And that doesn't mean "quiet time" in front of the TV munching on potato chips (which is what I've long thought "me time" meant)! It means taking care of my spirit, being good to my body and renewing my mind. No one can do those things for me. I'm talking about little things like washing my face every day. I mean, I have really nice, expensive skin care products that I never use because, dare I say it...I'm too lazy to use. Or eating better. I have a whole crisper full of salad fixins that are rotting as we speak because during the day it's just easier to eat the PB&J that my 1 year old is eating. And the biggie for me...spending time during the day in the Word of God and in prayer. So many of these battles would cease to be if I would spend time during the day with my Father. If I give them to Him, He promises to fight those battles for me! So there it is in a nut shell. I'm not happy with myself because I often don't require enough of myself. Selah (which loosely means "...think on that for a little while").
It would be nice to have Kenneth cater to my every need, every day, but life just aint like that. So the question is...what am I going to do about it? How can I feel like someone is taking care of and pampering Angie everyday? Cause it sure does feel good folks! And after feeling so unworthy of it all day, it may be starting to sink in that I am worth it. It's hard to believe that enough down in my spirit to actually do something about it (you don't become overweight, unhealthy, run down and a mess overnight). It takes a lot to change. But I'm beginning to believe I can.
More to come on this. That's a lot of deep thinking and soul searching for one day! Please leave comments and tell me how you feel about all this. Why do we moms have such a hard time taking care of ourselves?