Friday, July 25, 2014

How This is Gonna Go

And by this I mean, discussing my personal life online and blogging again.

As you discovered in yesterday's post, after my year-long hiatus from blogging, I am no longer a stay-at-home-mom with a husband and a child at home. I cherished the 5 years I got to stay home with my baby to raise her. But you never know from one day to the next what might happen.

My life took a swift, unexpected turn and I became the exact opposite of all the things that defined me; wife, SAHM, homemaker, in a matter of just a few weeks.

I am now working full time as a teacher, my daughter will be entering 1st grade this Fall, and I am no longer married, but divorced from my husband of 17 years.

Divorced.

Ugh. It's still hard to write that word.

I hate that word.

It was hard.

It was a punch to the gut.

I was doubled over in agony, puking my guts out (literally) and couldn't
even raise up to see straight (for months).

To express to you how I had to dig, dig, dig deep ya'll,

to pull myself up and through that transition is impossible. I can't accurately express it. I don't know how I did it. I barely remember it. I just remember crying (a lot).

I've aged ten years over the course of ten months.

The bags and dark circles under my eyes tell of the sleepless nights, the weariness, and the sadness I've felt. My face is not hiding it, but that's okay.

Life happens.

And our faces tell a story.

So, with that being said, let me tell you how this is gonna go; how I'm going to tell MY story here on this blog.

First of all, I have made A LOT of mistakes. Tons. And none of them I am proud of. You think when you act out, or vent, or let off steam, or have a crazy moment, or hurl insults, or cuss someone out, or lash out with name calling, that somehow it will make you feel better.

But it doesn't.

At least it never made me feel better. It kept my insides torn up!

But you have to give yourself some grace.

That's hard for me. I'm hard on myself.

You have no idea how you are going to react when the rug is pulled out from under your feet. You're gonna fall. You will take a tumble. And most likely, it's not going to be pretty! But do you fall gracefully and quietly? Or are you going down kicking and screaming like a crazy person who's lost their mind?

Me?

I think I've done a bit of both, but I have definitely stayed more on the sane side than the insane. And I owe all of that to Jesus, honey! Because I could have absolutely gone crazy train on some people throughout all of this...trust me!!!

But I didn't (for the most part).

However, I've said and done things out of desperation, anger, fear, anxiety, frustration, desperation that I wouldn't recommend anyone do. And unfortunately, those are the things that people see and what they remember.

Unfortunately.

But what they haven't seen are the hundreds of unsavory text messages that didn't get sent. The angry, accusatory emails that remained merely drafts. And while I have been guilty of passive aggressively ranting on Facebook (albeit, rare and relatively mild), there were hundreds more juicy, detailed, seething rants that never made it to "post" status. Not to mention the bad advice that I didn't take (and boy have I gotten A LOT of bad advice), and the times that I didn't act. Those are the things people don't see.

You don't see a person's real struggle to do the right things!

The real struggle is wrestled out in dark rooms, under covers, clutching Bibles and crosses, clinging for dear life to the only One who can save you from completely going off the deep end or really saying or doing something you'll regret. And that happens over and over and over. That's the real struggle. And it's best, I guess, that people don't see that...because it's scary!

But I want you to know that while I have been far from perfect, if could have been a LOT WORSE!

Just like a violent storm, the rains eventually clear away, the thunder stops rolling, the lightening stops flashing, the wind stops blowing. The clouds clear away and the sun shines again.

Peace. Sweet peace.

And then one day, you find that you're not struggling so much, that you didn't bawl your eyes out that day or throw something. The violent storms are fewer and further between.

Then that glorious day comes!

It comes in quietly, when you're not thinking about it.

NOT THINKING ABOUT IT (God! For once!)!!!

That seemingly ordinary day when you experience the pinnacle emotion that every jilted and rejected person hopes against all hope to aspire to.....

INDIFFERENCE.

That moment when you just don't care anymore and it feels like a baby grand piano has been hoisted off your back and you can stand up straight and tall again. You're not doubled over anymore...you can see. And not only that...

You want to see.

You have that thing called hope again.

And you can't believe it!

I still can't believe it!

Because God knows I cared so very much! God, did I care!

But I don't now.

Wow!

Do I get frustrated still? Angry sometimes? Have moments of sadness? Sure I do.

But at my core? I am indifferent. And it feels FANTASTIC!

So, that's the place I had to get to before I started writing again. I didn't have a clear head. I was way too emotional. But now I can write about those emotions and not want to jump off a bridge.

No, I haven't been perfect, nor will I ever be perfect. I'm going to make mistakes. And I'm sure as I embark on this journey of chronicling my new life here on this blog, I'll be making a lot edits, and deleting posts that maybe weren't written in the right spirit.

But that's the promise I make to you. That nothing will leave this blog that hasn't been sufficiently scrutinized and thoroughly considered.

And this ESPECIALLY needs to be addressed.

I'm sure there are people who will come here thinking they'll get a lot of salacious details about my divorce. They're here to be nosey. And honestly, I get that. People are naturally curious.

But let me just say that if that's why you're reading, for fodder for gossip? Let me save you some time....YOU WON'T GET THAT HERE.

I won't be discussing details about the breakup, the divorce or my ex-husband, as much as I'll be talking about my own personal journey in dealing with it and how God has guided me through and continues to heal me.

There will be a lot of people who won't like the fact that I'm talking about it at all. And that's okay. They don't have to read it. And if you are reading it, and you take screen shots or forward it on to the people who don't want to read it, check your own heart and motives. Because you would only be causing them to hurt more, and gossipping yourself.

The spirit behind this blog is not malicious on my part...I promise you. If it's taken that way, then search yourself for hidden bitterness or hurts that you are deflecting onto me that need to be addressed with Jesus. I have just addressed my intent, and I am not a liar. So, judging me for why I'm doing this is your issue, not mine.

So, if you're tempted to be a "pot stirrer?" I invite you to not read as well. This blog isn't meant to cause anyone pain. There's been enough of that! This blog is meant to glorify Jesus and tell of the great healing and miracles that can come from devastation if one would just seek Him.

I've said this from the beginning...

This is MY STORY too.

And that's what I'm going to be discussing here...

ME.
 
MY HOPES.
 
MY DREAMS.
 
MY DISAPPOINTMENTS.
 
MY STRUGGLES.
 
MY VICTORIES.
 
MY NEW LIFE.


3 comments:

  1. Angie hun...its like your writing about my life..what happened to me..God how i struggled last year...lost everything...my hubby my child my aunt and my daddy..but through it all i clung to God and my family..namely my brother and sister in law and my best friend Lucy...and reading your faith and strength helped me too...im much stronger woman than i ever thought...keep writing..and hun if you ever need someone thats been there to talk to..just holler..love your cuz

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  2. I am so proud of you! I am the child of divorce and all the mudslinging and blame do nothing but damage the child. You are a strong, god fearing woman and because of this you have made it through. Gabby is very blessed to have you for her Mother and we are blessed to call you family. Love you Angie!

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