Tuesday, June 25, 2013

15 Great Ways to Make Sure Your Husband and Kids Hate You

There is a great scripture in Proverbs that haunts me and puts the fear of God in me for sure and that is:

"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands." (Proverbs 14:1)

It's sobering to think how much power we hold as wives and mothers to either build and admonish and create. Or to rip apart, break down and destroy. I wonder how many foolish women realized it a little too late? They struck the match and was astounded at how little time it took to burn down the house.

We can find the best example of the wisest of women in Proverbs 31. Now, this lady has it all together!

But then I thought to myself, "If wisdom builds a house and the 'Proverbs 31 woman' does it all right, what are the foolish things that a lot of modern women do that could potentially tear down their houses?" 

So here's my list of the top 15 ways to screw up your marriage, your kids, tear down your house with your own hands and pretty much ruin everyone's life and make them hate you for it (caution....sarcasm ahead!).

15. Nothing should get in the way of "me time" Make sure a good portion of your day is spent daring anyone to bother you because you need your "me time." It's okay to be selfish here. The house is a mess, the kids are screaming for something to eat, you haven't spoken to your husband all day, but when it's "me time" everyone else better respect it. It's not selfish. You give of yourself all day, so carving out some time for yourself shouldn't be such a big deal right?! If you're not spending at least 3 hours every day (during the busiest part of the day) locked away in your bedroom, or in front of a computer screen watching You Tube videos, or out at the mall, or shopping on amazon.com, or reading blogs, or watching soaps, or reading Cosmo, or with your nose buried in a book, you're just not doing enough for yourself. If you don't take care of you, who else will?

14. Be a complete drag. Yeah...never smile, never laugh, look at everyone like they get on your nerves all the time and they do everything wrong and make your life miserable. Everyone just loves a super- serious, bitter, hateful person. And living with one is especially great!

13. Be a bully Use emotional manipulation to get what you want. Be really loud and aggressive and just basically beat everyone down. And be sure to always get it your way. Everybody else's way is stupid, inferior, doesn't make sense and pretty much is never good enough for you. 

12. Always make sure everyone knows you're right You are right, they are wrong and make sure you let them know it. Make sure they feel extra stupid by belittling them and their ideas, that way they learn to just let you win all the time. Sorta goes along with #13...just be a bully.

11. Never say you're sorry. You're never wrong after all.

10. Withhold sex from your husband Nothin' like physical and emotional manipulation to really make a man pay! You learned way back how important sex was to a man, so you use it to your advantage and never give it to him. Besides, you can't let him catch you having a good time! 

9. Treat your husband like a child If he acts like a child, he should be treated like a child. So order him around, yell at him, withhold good things and your affection. Make him sit in another room by himself to think about all he's done wrong. He can't be trusted, so keep tabs on him all day, check his emails and his phone records and scrutinize his every move. You gotta train him right...let him know who's in charge!

8. Criticize your husband Make sure your husband knows that he isn't nearly as smart as you. Be a wise-a** all the time and make sure your tone is sharp and sarcastic. If he doesn't feel like a complete loser, you are doing something wrong.

7. Be sure to complain all the time Yeah...you hate Susie Cream Cheese. Debbie Downer is much more your style. So be a complete sour puss and whine and moan about everything you can think of. But chew out the first person who dares point out something they don't like about you!

6. Preach to your husband Make sure your husband knows what the Bible has to say about everything! Use it especially to point out his flaws. The Bible does say it can be used for correction, right? The house needs a spiritual leader, and he's a poor excuse for one. He doesn't pray or read his Bible nearly as much as you, so somebody has to do it. Never mind that the Bible says that he is the head of the house...there's no time for that. He needs a wake up call right now! And besides, you wear the pants and he and you both know it.

5. Be a total hag Never put on make-up or perfume. Never wear a dress that shows that you do have a body underneath that 15-year-old ratty t-shirt. Make sure you look like death warmed over (because that's how you feel after all) every day when your husband gets home from a hard day at work. That's a great way to greet him...looking like the walking dead! Never mind that it makes you feel good to get dressed up and fix yourself up pretty. But you don't feel good unless you feel bad, so that settles that. Besides, he should love you no matter how you look. So look (and smell) like crap!

4. Spend money like there's no tomorrow There's no guarantee of tomorrow, so why not enjoy your money now?! Avoid all your problems at home and have some retail therapy! Go out with the girls for a "girl's night" or have another spa day. You deserve it! The light bill is late and the kids need to go to the doctor, but you need a mani-pedi STAT!

3. Make sure your house is trashed and you feed your family trash When your husband comes home from a hard day at work, it's especially nice if you make sure he has to wade through piles of crap everywhere. If he has to dodge toys, books, and bags of cheese puffs strewn all over the floor, you're doing it right! Make sure he's not in the mood for sex by cluttering up your bedroom space with piles of clothes, piles of trash on the nightstands, piles of stuff on the bed that has to be pushed aside to even get into it. Also, be sure to never have a nice, hot meal waiting for him or your kids...that'd just be too much! Who are you, June Cleaver? Besides everyone likes frozen pizza and ravioli, or fast food  for dinner, right?

2. Seek out love, acceptance and excitement elsewhere...online is a good place Your husband's not giving it to you, and that's his fault! So stay online all the time! Sit in another room by yourself with your laptop and have at it! Sign up in chat rooms, play games, be who you've always wanted to be by turning yourself into a virtual character and playing with other people in virtual worlds. Keep up with all the drama and even engage in it on social media sites. Find old boyfriends on facebook and flirt with them to make yourself feel pretty and fun. You liked yourself back then after all, and he makes you feel cool again! Or better yet, find a completely new guy and flirt with him. Make plans to meet up with him...sorta like a date! Won't that be exciting! Make your laptop your best friend. Shew away the kids, sit your husband in timeout in another room and do your thing online. It's your me time after all...even if me time is all day, every day and you never look up from the screen and shut everyone else out by wearing your head phones....hey, that's their problem!

1. Give up and walk away Decide once and for all that you'd be better off by yourself. You won't have to deal with the kids all the time (the ex will have them 2 weekends a month), you can spend your money how you want (you'll be getting a big fat child support check!), you can do what you want, see who you want and finally be rid of that ball and chain you used to call your husband. He spent too much time working and not enough time on you, and you're going to make him pay! The kids will be fine, the finances will all fall into place once the court decides everything, it will all be fine. Anything has to be better than living such a hopeless, dull, unfulfiilling life with a man who is just not good enough. A man who just doesn't get you, attend to you, take time for you, make you happy, fulfill you, make enough money for you, isn't home enough for you, isn't a better dad, isn't a better spiritual leader, isn't such a loser. You and the kids will just be better off (they'll thank you later) by yourself. It's easy. Just walk away.

So there you go!

Those are some sure fire ways to make sure you raise angry, bitter, resentful kids who blame you for the wreck that is their life. And you'll also be a shoe-in for a messy, bitter divorce!

All you have to do is resent your life as a wife and mom. Be disinterested, discontented, ignore your family, think of yourself all the time, complain, convince yourself that your husband is no good, that your kids are fine making bowls of cereal for themselves for dinner every night and spending their days occupied by their video games and iPhones. Spend tons of time in fantasy, never take off your headphones or look up from your computer. Disengage completely with your family and put your needs and feelings before everyone else's. That'll just about do it. 

And if we're being real here, I would have to admit that I've done (am doing) quite a few of these. But I'm really good at NOT doing #11. In fact, sometimes I find myself apologizing all day because I just simply stink at being a good mom or a supportive wife. I have quite a few bad days. But they are only a few (thank goodness). I so want to do better, so I try to learn from my mistakes. I'm not perfect, but I try. I just need God so badly! I couldn't do this some days without Him! I'd tear my house down for sure!

Oh God! Please help me to never be the foolish woman who tears apart her house with her own selfish hands. Help me to see the truth in all that is good about my home, my husband, my children, my role as his wife and as their mother, and to not believe the lies that the world would throw in my face that somehow a life independent of them would be better. I can't think of a worse fate than to have my grown child(ren), having figured it all out, looking back at me with resentment, rage or even hate at what I did to their lives.
Oh God help me every day to do right by my family. I know I will never do it perfect, but please at least help me do it with YOUR HELP.

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